Posted by: randydunning | October 22, 2007

My House Mocks Me!

I’m in my fifth year as a homeowner. The longer I enjoy this lofty status, the more I begin to question my lowly behavior. After all, is it normal to have feelings about your home like you would a person? Is it o.k. to talk to your home like you would a friend? Is it appropriate to have an argument with your home as you do a spouse. And is it justifiable to throw things at your home like you would an enemy? Not that I really do any of this – I’m just wondering.

Much like the voice of God, I’ve never heard my home speak to me audibly. Yet I have this growing suspicion that my house silently mocks me. Yes, that docile-looking, cedar-sided cape cod otherwise known as 8845 River Valley is giving me attitude. It happens most often when I walk in the garage and see the clutter disallowing me to park vehicles where vehicles are meant to be parked. Or when I pass dents in the drywall that door stops are meant to prevent. Or when I open my one-hinged closet door, hang my bathroom towel on the window crank instead of the missing towel bar, or finesse the hot water handle on my sink to keep it from constantly dripping. When I encounter these imperfections on a daily (nay, hourly) basis, it is as if my house says one of three things to me:

1. “You don’t have the time to fix me. You have two jobs, five kids, a wife whose time is filled with cooking, cleaning and home educating, and a dog that demands your constant attention. If you get started on that project, you’ll be interrupted in five minutes. Just give it up.”

2. “You don’t have the energy to fix me. You have two jobs, five kids…”(yeah, he’s not a very original house – uses the same litany). “After you get home, connect with your wife, eat your dinner, bathe your babies, and help out with domestic chores, about all your good for is reading a book in bed. Just give it up.”

3. “You don’t have the money to fix me. Can you really justify spending your hard-earned cash on me when you need food, gas, curriculum, and coffee! C’mon! You somehow recently finagled the roof but you can’t get to all the little stuff. Just give it up.”

See what I mean. The bad part about it – he’s usually right and he knows it! I’m not sure what to say – I just chuck stuff at him now and again (the occasional empty cardboard box or tennis ball). He seems to laugh at me. What’s worse, I think that my house and my wife are in cahoots. She handles the honey-do list and he handles the guilt. It’s a lethal combination.

So what recourse does a homeowner have with a derisive, insistent house? Sometimes I just bluntly remind him (and myself) that people are eternal, houses are not. “For we know that if the earthly tent which is our house [body] is torn down, we have a building from God, a house not made with hands, eternal in the heavens.” 2 Corinthians 5.1

That tends to shut him up, at least for a little while.



  1. Hey you are not alone in the mocking. I stayed up late instead of going to bed to accomplish the my honeydew lists. It has brought peace to the wife and now silence from the beast. I did all of it with help from my slaves. At this point I could lend a day to help clear a few of those items off of your list. Let me know……

  2. Just might take you up on that (you and your slaves, that is).

  3. I am not alone. Good to know. The truly humiliating part for me is that i am on the periphery of the construction business and my house looks like I don’t have the money or the ability to change a light bulb.

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